Mistakes

Okay when you are married to a musician for 14 years and get completely ignored for most of that 14 years, you make a lot of stupid decisions. I made the decision to cheat because I did not think that my husband cared. Well my husband did care when he found out and he agreed that he was part of the reason that I cheated because he pushed me away. We went to counseling for over a year, put our testimony out in front of our church, renewed our vows and thought everything was ok for the last 2 1/2 years. My husband walks away from the band for a year, then decides to go back, gets involved in one band, then the church band, then another band and then finally a fourth band. Now he is too tied up in the bands and work to worry about family again. Come forward a year: due to financial issues, we lose the house and have to rent. I start a new job in Overland Park KS which puts me on the road 2 hours a day, so basically I am working a 10 1/2 hour day. My husband works 6 days a week so not a lot of time together. Starting to grow apart again and instead of trying to work it out, then he wants a divorce. I don't want to lose him and I have fought too hard to make up for my mistake and tried to make our marriage work. I feel like I am fighting a battle that is not completely my problem. I believe that the main thing is the fact that he is too busy and this is the only way out. So at the beginning of December right before Christmas, he wants a divorce. Go through a week of hell, and then he decides that well maybe he will move out for a while to make a decision. Then on top of all this, he is talking to a FEMALE for over a year more than he is talking to his own wife. I don't know what to do. I have been married for 17 years and don't want to lose my husband, but I don't know what else to do but pray. I have thoughts of suicide, I don't do anything because of my kids, but I have thought about it. I love him, don't want to lose him, but I think he already has his mind made up and he is going to walk away and never come back. I am going to counseling and I hope he does too, because that is what he needs to do.